I understand that the process of shortening names into nicknames for convenience and fun is a practice that has been around as long as I have, and it's likely not going anywhere fast. Despite this, I still think some regulation is in order. Here are the rules that I have thought up to save the officials some time - you're welcome, government.
Nickname Commandment #1
Thou shalt not shorten a name that beith already five letters or less.
Now, this one applies to me personally, and is the inspiration for this entire post. If someone's name is already five letters or less, like 'Emily', I don't think that it needs to be any shorter than that. It shows laziness, that you're not willing to put in the tiny effort necessary for saying my entire name, and it makes me feel like you don't care. Okay, not really - that reason just sounds more plausible. I just think it's a stupid practice. Now, if we have any readers yet, some of you might ask me, "But what about Sameera? She calls you Em sometimes..-points to past posting-" Sameera is, in this case as in all cases when it comes to me, a special circumstance. She has not only known me for going on ten years now, but she is my hetero lifemate, and she can call me whatever the hell she pleases. She has earned that right through ten years of hard labor as my friend. Besides, we've usually got so much to say to each other that the few seconds we shave off saying each others names will probably come in handy. (Honestly, if there's anyone reading this best friend love-fest of a blog, we thank you.) Anyway, that is the exception to this rule, as well as the fourth one. If you have the kind of best friend relationship where you can pretty much do anything with that person, I'm sure this won't matter.
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Thou shalt not shorten a name into something that maketh no sense.
Case and point: Richard = Dick? That's like calling your boat a Poontang because a boat is sometimes called a Schooner and Poon rhymes with Schoon and Tang goes with Poontang naturally and sounds just as inappropriate as Dick.
This leads me to commandment number three.
Nickname Commandment #3
Thou shalt not shorten a name into something thou canst yell in a public forum.
Nickname Commandment #4
Thou shalt not shorten a name without asking first. **
Some people are not okay with being suddenly renamed, so it would be a good idea to ask them before doing so. That way you can avoid that awkward "Please don't call me that." conversation/fight. Not to mention the possibility of renaming someone who is too polite to tell you they don't like it. This just means you'll have earned their silent resentment. I am one of these people, and consequently my name has been shortened into a number of different things.
Nickname Commandment #5
If thou must use nicknames in a relationship, thou shouldn't use them in public.
No matter how you feel about using cutesy nicknames in a relationship, I think it is safe to say that you don't enjoy seeing a couple walking around in public cooing their baby talk to each other. It's fine when you're the one spewing this nonsense, but when you have to listen to someone else do it, suddenly you're more against it than anything else.
Okie doke. The strep throat is getting to me now, so I'm going to go and sleep. I might add more later. I just had to get this up before the illness erased it from my memory.
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